I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
