he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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