that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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