just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
