Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
