I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
