The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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