also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
