he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
