Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
