i jhust puked up my retainher.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
