My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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