you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
