Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
