Who wears a wallet chain?!
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
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