i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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