just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
