Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
