nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
