honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
