Only a mothe r could love this liver
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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