Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
