Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize