I wish I only lived at night.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
