When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
