my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
