Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
