she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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