remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
