I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
