Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
