just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
