Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
