I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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