Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
