Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
