i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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