Pregnant stripper...not hot.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
