You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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