Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
