You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
