i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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