office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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