i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
