In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
