And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
