chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
