Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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