we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
