It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
