You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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