He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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