my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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