Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
