I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
