Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
it was like eating out sand paper
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
