living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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