I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Randomize
